So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
