My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
