I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
