I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
time to smoke my breakfast
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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