Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My pussy is not your playground.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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