I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
