awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
