I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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