i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So squirting runs in the family.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
