ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
