piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
