somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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