my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He better not be in your backpack
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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