I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize