remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
