i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
