I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
