The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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