Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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