So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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