The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
