this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
