that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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