You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
