Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You are the jesus of drinking
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
