I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
