Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
