And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
