Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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