Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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