Nicole vs. Life
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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