So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
