OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
