At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
