Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
