You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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