I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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