respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
