its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
