allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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