I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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