im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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