I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm both gender and math confused
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
