i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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