I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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