somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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