I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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