I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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