Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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