My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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