So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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