I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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