I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize