do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
