Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
