you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
