Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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