my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
